CHAPTER 1: A NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE

Eddie: Outlook hazy, try again later.

It was another warm and sunny day on campus.

Analyn: Being a weather caster in Fanfic Land has to be the easiest job ever.
Jeff: Coincidentally, being an English teacher is the hardest.
Eddie: [sings] It never rains in California...

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, flowers were blooming everywhere.

Jeff: Good Lord, we've fallen into a Disney cartoon.

It was definitely “Spring Fever” time on campus.

Eddie: So, there's beer and boobs and stuff? Awesome! This fic rules!

Everyone was in a great mood.

Analyn: Okay, who wants to call it?
Jeff: Let's all do it together.
All: Everyone, that is, except whoever our heroine is.

Everyone, that is, except for Serenity.

Analyn: We good.
Jeff: Serenity? What kind of pot-smoking hippie parents does this child have?!

She was a beautiful girl,

Eddie: Can she be anything else?

with bright blue eyes

Jeff: We must give credit here, they're not glowing sapphires or something.

and light brown hair that flowed to the middle of her back.

Analyn: Ha! Her RAGING RIVER of hair! I wonder if she has to treat it for algae and keep it filtered?

She was short, true, a measly 5’ 3”, but she had spirit.

[All laugh]
Jeff: Oh! Spirit! Well, that solves everything!
Eddie: I've got the image of the author clenching her fist and looking far off into the distance while she says this.
Analyn: Hey, can spirit make up for any sort of deficiency? Eddie, you're dense and your knowledge of musicals sometimes frightens me, but you've got spirit.
Eddie: Why thank you. And Jeff, I'm amazed that you haven't committed some horrible, horrible sexual felony yet, but you've got spirit.
Jeff: Eddie, you're a class act. Annie, you have a stick so far up your ass it comes out your mouth, and yet, you've got spirit.
Analyn: I smell running joke.

She had a beautiful complexion

Analyn: My my my. Get my boots, we've got some wading to do.

and a gorgeous body,

Eddie: Wait, this isn't going where I think it is, is it?

which could explain why half the girls on campus hated her, and ALL of the guys loved her.

[All cackle]
Jeff: She did not ... she ... she didn't just write that!
Analyn: Holy crap! She's serious, isn't she! She's abso-freaking-lutley dead serious!
Eddie: Do we even need to be here? Does this story NEED making fun of?

She wasn’t the least bit thrilled however,

All: But that's okay, because she's got spirit!

and glared at the sun, muttering, “Stupid sun, why do you have to make your presence known EVERYTIME I’m in a bad mood?”

Jeff: [Sun] Sorry for being located overhead due to the Earth's rotation on a day with no clouds! Geez. Next time you, oh sweet Mary Sue, are depressed, I shall try harder to rearrange the cosmos so your perfect skin is not tainted with my filthy, filthy light.
Eddie: Wait, all the boys are in love with someone who stands around and talks to the sun?

She sighed and crossed the street,

Analyn: Annnnnnnnd got hit by a car and the fic is over?

heading to her car to go home. As she was walking, she kept thinking about the strange dream she had encountered the previous night.

Eddie: NO! NO! MARY SUE IS NOT PSYCHIC ON TOP OF BEING WONDERFULLY PERFECT! WHY?! WHY!?

Three women,

Jeff: Me like.

no, goddesses,

Jeff: Me really like!

were trying to send her a message. They were beautiful beyond belief,

Jeff: Me like a lot!
Analyn: Go take a cold shower!
Eddie: I'm guessing that they couldn't compare to the beauty of the awesome Serenity, though?

but what they were saying didn’t make any sense.

Analyn: Gasp! Serenity doesn't speak Goddess?

“The time will come when you, the chosen one,

All: Gag.

will embark on your journey to save a sacred land,”

Jeff: Wait, what part of this doesn't make any sense? I was expecting something more along the lines of, "Case so then run dog will follow powder blue navy gym shorts jump."

Serenity mumbled to herself,

Eddie: Really, she mutters like a homeless person, and we're to believe that every man on campus is in love with her?

“only then will you be able to fully understand the closed doors of your past.”

Analyn: [Author] How many bad cliches can I throw into my self-insertion fic? Let's see! One, two ...

She shook her head and crossed another street.

Jeff: Is she actually going anywhere?
Eddie: Let's get her a pair of sweats and a shopping cart already.

"What did they mean by that?

Analyn: [Serenity] Also, why did I wake up with a strange pain in my butt?

What journey am I going to go on?

Eddie: Quick fire!
Analyn: [Serenity] Will I need to pack a lunch?
Jeff: [Serenity] Where do babies come from?
Eddie: [Serenity] Why must I be a teenager in love?
Analyn: [Serenity] What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Jeff: [Serenity] Who put the bomp in the bomp-sha-bomp-sha-bomp?
Eddie: [Serenity] Do I love you because you're beautiful?

Will I know it when I get there? I wish this would make sense to me." Serenity didn’t have any idea about her past.

All: Natch.

Her biological family was killed in a bad accident,

Analyn: I never thought I'd be able to say, "Hey, guess what Staff of Power has in common with James and the Giant Peach and Harry Potter."
Eddie: A bad baking accident? Oh please? I want to see a rapping witch.

leaving no records of any kind behind; at least that’s what her adopted parents told her.

Analyn: ... wow. This fic is ... I'm genuinely impressed.
Eddie: I'm not going to be shocked if she has magic powers or something. Really. Nothing is too far for this fic.
Jeff: Link will fall madly in love with her. There is no question, it is set in stone.

Her dream had shown her other things, too.

Eddie: One things, two things, red things, blue things.

She was supposed to meet with someone who was known as the Hero of Time, whatever that meant.

Analyn: Excuse me, I have to go roll my eyes out of my head now. Do we genuinely have to sit here and pretend that Nintendo doesn't exist and that there is a soul alive that walks a college campus that DID NOT play Ocarina of Time?

Also, the goddesses told her of a legend that is directly linked to her and her past.

Jeff: At this point, I'm going to just sit here and hope that this turns into a country-western song.
Eddie: [sings] Gather 'round, chilluns, and listen to my story...

It was called the legend of the Faierikin.

Analyn: Ten points to the first schmoe who can pronounce Faierikin.
Jeff: Mary Serenity's so special, she can't just be a FAIRY ... or even a FAERIE ... nooooo ...

She didn’t quite know what that meant,

Eddie: Good gracious, we can't even SAY Faierikin, there's no way on this green Earth we're gonna have a definition ready for you.

only that the goddesses said that they would reveal more in time.
As she got to her car, she noticed a huge scratch on the side of it, “Damn it, where the hell did this come from?”

Jeff: Well, when a mommy scratch and a daddy scratch love each other very much ...
Analyn: Madam Perfect Mary Serenity's got a lovely potty mouth. [Serenity] Hell, I'll fucking kill the God-damned bastard who shit on my bitching ride, the dick-shitting cunt face!
Eddie: It wouldn't shock me to learn that the other Mary Sues of the world gathered together and keyed her car because they were jealous that she was Sue-ier than them all.

she spat

[All laugh]
Eddie: I guess she goes to a university in the south? Yee haw!
Jeff: This has to be the most white-trash Mary Sue we've ever seen.

and unlocked her door, throwing her school books inside. Her first year of college wasn’t going great, and this day was no exception.

Jeff: This fic ain't going so great either, so I guess we've all got something in common, then.
Analyn: Oh no, this isn't some wankfest by a freshman who's slowly discovering that they can't be the prettiest, most popular girl ever in college, is it?

Already she had slept in late and missed her first class, failed a pop quiz in her second, had no money for lunch,

Eddie: If all the boys loved her so much, can't she use her Mary Sue powers to get one of them to take her to lunch?!
Jeff: Somehow, you just know the pop quiz thing "wasn't her fault".

and now this thing with the car door.

Analyn: But that's okay, because the car door has spirit.

She heaved a big sigh and uttered, “What ELSE can go wrong for me today? I can’t WAIT to find out!”

Jeff: Really, who speaks like this?
Analyn: The clever joke by the author is, naturally, she does find out. Oh author, what WON'T you write?

She then started her car and started driving home.

Eddie: I ... guess she never finished driving, then?

As she rounded a corner, her car began to smoke.

Analyn: Ha! I love it. [Car] Hey, I'm gonna pull over and pull out some slims, you got a light?

She pulled over to the side of the road, got out and popped the hood. What she thought to be smoke was really steam, “Perfect, my radiator is busted.

Jeff: Because Mary Serenity is also a licensed auto mechanic.
Analyn: How'd she tell it was steam?
Eddie: I'm hoping it was the terrible scorch marks she got on her face from sticking it right over the car.

What another great thing to happen to me today!” She belted at the top of her lungs. She looked around for someone to help her push her car, but oddly enough there was no one in sight.

[All laugh]
Analyn: "Oddly enough?" Oh Mary Serenity, I'm so sorry that your faithful servants did not run along side the car as you drove home!

Wrinkling her brow, she started walking. She hadn’t gone far when she came to a small grove of trees by the side of the road.

Jeff: Please, this is close to a college campus. Those aren't trees, that's grade A reefer you see growing there.

“That’s funny; I don’t remember those being there before.” She uttered more to her own disbelief than anything, “I’ve gone by this road a hundred times before, strange.”

Analyn: Taking bets. Does she go look and put herself in Obvious Fanfic Danger, or does she play it safe?
Eddie: Obvious Fanfic Danger!
Jeff: I pick that too.
Analyn: Really, is there any other way?

Curiosity got the better of her, so she decided to check it out.

Analyn: This is, what, the second time we've called something like that in this fic?
Eddie: Wait, there's woods, right?
Jeff: Well, yes.
Eddie: And she's going in them. Right?
Jeff: ... yes, this is true.
Eddie: So ... we could say that she's going ... INTO THE WOODS?
Jeff: I freaking hate you, Eddie.
Eddie: [sings] Into the woods, it's time to go, I hate to leave, I have to, though...

At the edge of the “woods” there was a steep ravine. Serenity had climbed these a million times and knew she could handle this one.

All: [sings] It's the eye of the tiger...

However, she didn’t see the small patch of mud and slipped on it and fell.

Analyn: Whoa, penalty! She can't be Southern, a real bell could handle a tiny wet spot on the ground.
Jeff: Maybe she's in Ohio. It's like all the suck of the South without all the cool parts.

“AAHHH!!” She braced herself for what would be a nasty fall, but she found that she kept falling.

Eddie: Wait, what? She thought she was going to fall, but then she fell? I demand a diagram.

She then felt a strange tingling through her spine

Jeff: Oh, don't worry about that, that's just you getting paralyzed.
Eddie: [sings] It's such a strange thing, mystifying ...

as she passed what seemed like a vortex of some sort.

[All laugh]
Analyn: So, wait, she crapped a vortex? Wow! Sweetie, if you needed to go number two before the fic started, you should have went!
Jeff: How does one poo a hole?
Eddie: Mary Serenity can do anything.
Analyn: That's because she's got spirit!

Finally, she hit the ground and had the wind knocked out of her.

Eddie: Aha! And now she needs someone to WAKE her!
[pause]
Eddie: Eh? Eh?
[Pause]
Eddie: Wind waker?
Analyn: No! Bad Eddie! We do that outside!

CHAPTER 2: A MEETING WITH A HERO

Jeff: Meeting? If this is a Zelda/Dilbert crossover, so help me God...

“Child of a different time, of a different place, of a different world,

Analyn: GEE, FANFIC, IS SHE DIFFERENT? BECAUSE REALLY, I CAN'T TELL. I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA. DEAD SERIOUS. REPEAT IT AGAIN A GOOD ELEVENTY BILLION TIMES FOR ME, OH PRETTY PLEASE.

hear us now.

Jeff: So help me GOD, if this is a thinly-veiled cell phone ad..

We the goddesses of the Triforce: Din, Nayru, and Farore, ask of you.

Analyn: Ask of me what? Can you just generally go around asking people?
Eddie: Hey, Jeff? I'm asking you.
Jeff: Really? Cool beans, I'm asking you too.

Your destiny is revealed.

Eddie: Back the fanfic train up, what's her destiny?
Analyn: Her destiny is that she's different, I guess.
Jeff: Hey, let's ask the fanfic.

You are the chosen one... the last of the Faierikin tribe.

Jeff: ... you ... you are kidding.
Analyn: Okay, barf. But really, who didn't see this one coming?
Eddie: [Goddesses] As last of the Faierikin, we must ask you -- how the heck do you say that? We've been working all week on that one, and we've got nothing.

You will inherit great powers in the next few weeks of your journey.

Analyn: This fanfic's about to inherit my foot in its ass. Eddie, didn't you say earlier that you thought this Mary Sue would be special enough to have magic powers?
Eddie: Why yes, yes I did. Ladies and gentlemen, Omni-Sue!
Jeff: Have we just called three things in this fic?
Analyn: This is the most text-book Sue ever.

“These powers, along with the Hero of Time’s courage, will allow you two to defeat the King of Evil when he tries to regain power.

Jeff: [Goddesses] Also, it's gonna let you make a really killer fruit salad.

“Your powers, however, will only seem mediocre

Analyn: BLASPHEMY! Nothing will ever be mediocre with the fantabulous Mary Serenity!

until you gather the missing pieces of the Staff of Power, which has been broken and scattered throughout this land.

Eddie: So ... wait. We have to read a fetch quest?!
Jeff: Yum yum, you can smell the creativity!
Analyn: It's nice to know everything that's going to happen right up front ... I ... guess?

“Believe in us, the goddesses of the Triforce, for we will be your guides. For you are our only hope of saving this beautiful land...”

All: [singing] This land is my land, this land is your land...

“Beautiful land?” Serenity mumbled as she began to wake up.

Jeff: Geez, Mary Serenity, the hunk of dirt known as Hyrule isn't good enough for Your Highness? Get a grip!
Analyn: Dorm life must kill this child.

She groaned and sat up on her knees. “How long was I out?” she asked herself as she looked around.

Eddie: Yeah, that sounds about right for a college kid.

Then she remembered the dream and thought to herself, "for some reason, it all makes sense now."

Jeff: But the author didn't explain anything! What, did she just use her magical Mary Sue powers --
Analyn: Seriously, what do you think the answer to that is?
Jeff: ... point.

She felt a weird feeling in her leg and pulled up her pant leg.

Eddie: Why, Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

A symbol had embedded itself on her leg and she knew exactly what it was: the symbol of the Faierikin tribe.

Jeff: Penalty! There is ABSOLUTELY no way she could know that!
Analyn: Unless she uses her Sue powers.

She smiled to herself, "now I know."

Jeff: ARRRGHBABBLE!
Analyn: Really, this is borderline lazy...

She got to her feet and looked around. To her left was a deep hole, deep enough to where she couldn’t see the bottom of it.

Eddie: Talk about going down the rabbit hole.
Jeff: Do you honestly think that this fic is that clever, to allude to a better story like that?

She peered over the edge.

Jeff: [Serenity] You know, this big hole reminds me of my gaping --
Analyn: Don't you even!

"Man, at least I didn’t fall in there," she thought to herself. As she began to walk around it,

Analyn: She's glad she's not in it, and that's ... why she's ... walking around the edge? Sweetie, if we don't want to fall in, we get AWAY from the edge...
Eddie: Hey, why's there a hole in the ground, anyway?
Jeff: My bet is on outdoor toilet.

she heard footsteps. Gulping slightly, she glanced around slowly. Suddenly she screamed as someone (or something) landed in front of her.

Eddie: Am I stupid, or was the hole in front of her?
Jeff: Yes.
Eddie: ... hey!
Jeff: Either way, someone (or something) just landed in a hole full of crap.
Analyn: Oh, someone (or something) landed in this fic?
Jeff: Props.

It was a boy, she thought, at least it LOOKED like a boy.

[All laugh]
Jeff: Well, there was the issue of the large breasts, and she had issue with the pretty pink dress, but after that...

He was taller than her, about 5’ 9” with sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes like hers. He was wearing a green tunic and matching hat, with white pants and shirt on underneath.

Analyn: Hey! Tights! Link wears tights!
Jeff: Cool it, there, fangirl...
Analyn: It's not my fault that Link's the only video game hero man enough to wear tights, though.

She also thought him to be about her age of 19. The most important thing she noticed, however, was the very sharp sword blade held at her throat.

Eddie: This Link's a little touchy, isn't he!
Analyn: [Link] You got the goods, man!?

“Please don’t hurt me!” she begged, not moving an inch.

Jeff: [Link] Well, okay, since you said please.

“Who are you?

Analyn: Gasp, the news of the sue-iest sue to ever sue has not reached the backwoods of Hyrule yet?
Eddie: What major brain lapse causes every author in the fandom to forget that Link doesn't speak?

And what are you doing in the forest after sunset?

Jeff: [Serenity] Oh, being accosted by tights-wearing strangers. You?

It is very dangerous to be here right now, don’t you know that?”

Analyn: [Serenity] I could have guessed as much from the sword at my neck, yes.

He saw the desperate look in her quivering eyes, and he let his guard down some, “I’m sorry I startled you like that,

Eddie: [Link] Yeah, I didn't mean to come up behind you and near-slit your throat.
Analyn: Wait, Link wasn't using contractions a moment ago. Now he is. Author, if you're gonna write in bad fake-old-English, pretty please try to be consistent.

but you shouldn’t be here, the Stalchilds will get you.”
“Stal-what?

Jeff: Yeah, I'm with Mary Serenity on this one. You don't think the author means Stalmos, do you?
Analyn: Please don't let this be a case where the author just kind of played a few minutes of Ocarina of Time, oh please please pretty please with sugar on top...

Where exactly am I again?” Serenity was very confused now. She was beginning to understand how Dorothy and Toto felt when they were in Oz.

Eddie: I know what she means, but for comedy value, I'm going to pretend that she means the high-security prison Oz.

“Come with me, we must go fast.”

Jeff: I see that Link can't go very long.

He grabbed her arm and started walking. The two of them walked quite briskly, and it was hard for Serenity to keep up, “Where are we going exactly?”

Analyn: Speaking of which, this is a trend I've noticed: where have all the periods gone, exactly?

“To get my horse,

All: MY HORSE, MY HORSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!
Jeff: [Link] Well, really, I just knock some coconuts together and pretend, but it still works.

then to Kakariko Village. The castle gates will be closed by now, but we can get shelter there...”

Eddie: Huh? How?
Jeff: By burrowing in the gates, obviously.

he paused and looked at her, “you are in Hyrule, does any of this seem familiar to you?”

Jeff: [Link] You know, because you've never been here before or seen anything even remotely resembling this place?
Analyn: Seriously, it's implied here that Link recognizes Mary Serenity juuuust enough to know that Hyrule should be familiar to her. This explains why he tried to cut her earlier -- OH WAIT, NO IT DOESN'T.

Serenity studied him some more as the walked,

Eddie: As a matter of fact, she took a class on him that Spring.

and she quickly noted something that definitely made him different from her: his ears.

Analyn: Yum yum. That's the first thing I notice about a man, his delicious ears.

They were pointed, almost elf-like. She shook her head and answered, “Uh, not really, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not where I was five minutes ago, that’s for sure.”

Jeff: And Captain Obvious takes to the skies!

Unknowingly, she had pushed her hair back behind her ear

Analyn: Think the author's bright enough to know that this is actually a subconscious cue that humans send out to signal attraction and wrote it in her fic thusly?
Eddie: No, I'm pretty sure she's just satisfying some frightening ear fetish.

and he noticed her rounded ears, “Wow, you really aren’t kidding are you?” He asked as he studied her odd-shaped ears.

Eddie: You know, rabbit ears and bear ears are shaped differently. They both come from the forest, though. Why is it OMG SHOCKING!! that their ears are different?
Analyn: How can something be shaped like an odd?

Serenity shook her head again. Then she noticed a horse standing not far from them, “Is that yours?”

Jeff: Niiiiice metaphor. Hey, Mary Serenity, is that horse big? Do you want to pet it and ride it?
Analyn: Jeff!
Jeff: Oh, come on, Annie, you know they're gonna do it.
Eddie: [Link] Her ears are different from mine, too, which means she fell from the sky.

He smiled, “Yep, her name’s Epona.”
“You know, speaking of names, do you have one?”

Analyn: Oho, I see Mary Serenity is also the patron saint of slick, non-awkward dialogue.

He blushed,

Jeff: No! Not one of these sorts of fics! I swear, why does everyone in Fanfic land have a furious blushing problem?! Can we please get a blood pressure check for these people?!

“Sorry, my name is Link. What’s yours, stranger?”
“My name is Serenity.”

Eddie: [Serenity] Miss Serenity if you're nasty.
Analyn: [Serenity] Mary Serenity if you're familiar at all with any sort of fanfic cliche.

He wrinkled his brow, “Serenity? Wow, that’s a really pretty name.”

Analyn: GAG. Come on, Link! Let's hear it now! "Pretty like your eyes" or something else asinine! You can do it!
Eddie: [Link] I don't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything's soft ... and smooth ...

She blushed, “oh I don’t know, it’s just the name my foster parents gave me.”

Jeff: [Serenity] They were at the bong for a good long while before they came up with it.

He was blushing a little too,

Eddie: Gee, are they blushing!? All this blushing is making me blush!
Analyn: Oh, Eddie, just the sheer word makes my cheeks flush a scarlet hue!
Jeff: Stop it, you two, you're embarrassing me and making my face turn red!

“I have just never heard it before is all. I like it. It suits you.”

Analyn: [Link] It does. Short fragments. Phrases.

As they reached Epona, Link walked up to her and patted her neck. She neighed and nuzzled him with her nose. He then turned to Serenity, “Come here, I’ll help you up.” Serenity had been riding a hundred times before.

Jeff: Let me guess, on her enchanted unicorn ranch?

In fact, she had her own horse with which she shared a close bond with: Star Streak.

Analyn: You MUST be kidding me.
Eddie: I think we're up to four now.

She wished he was with her now.

Jeff: RATS. You know what this means, don't you.
Eddie: I can only wish for a glue factory, can't I.

Link put his hands together to give Serenity a boost.

Analyn: Wait, what did she do to deserve applause?

She jumped up with pure ease.

Jeff: Mary Serenity can be nothing more than lithe and graceful, after all.

She scooted closer as Link mounted up behind her and reached around to take the reins.

[All laugh]
Eddie: Dr. Freud? Dr. Freud? Are you home, Dr. Freud?
Jeff: I'm flashing back to The Love That Almost Wasn't.

Serenity could feel herself blush a little

[Analyn screams]

as the boy’s arms were around her. "Such strong arms," she thought to herself, as his breath went down her neck,

Analyn: I'm ... I'm just really uncomfortable at this point. I feel like these sort of things should be kept private, you know?

"I believe I like this boy."

Jeff: Verily, good sir.
Eddie: "I'll look to like, if looking liking lead..."

Link kicked Epona into a trot and they found their way out of the woods.

Analyn: Something just hit me. Dude had a sword at her neck like five minutes ago, but he's cute so she just walks off with him?
Jeff: It's like an episode of "Totally Spies" or something.

As they exited the forest, they came across a huge field.

Jeff: Aside from the obvious dirty joke here ... never mind, I got nothin'.

Across from them was a huge wall, with a castle visible in the background.

Analyn: Child, we all played Ocarina of Time. Not a soul walks this Earth what didn't play that game.
Jeff: You sound like an old Southern matron.
Analyn: Shut up. Anyway, you either add something to the description, or you leave it out. We KNOW what Hyrule looks like! We're not stupid!
Jeff: Unless we somehow can't see that Serenity isn't a Mary Sue.
Analyn: This goes without saying.

In the center of the field was a building with a huge stone wall around it, so Serenity couldn't see what it was.

Eddie: Yes, the only reason they erected that wall was so Mary Serenity couldn't see. She must be a shining star, as Earth AND Hyrule seem to orbit around her...

There were dirt paths everywhere, and she could barely see what looked like a lake in the distance. Turning her gaze, she saw a rocky slope that headed toward some kind of deep ravine.

Jeff: Epona missteps and falls in, the end.

As the two rode, they were along side a river that flowed along a rocky wall and right by the wall bordering the Market around the Castle.

Analyn: Hold on, I have to go shed a tear for the English language. It lost a brave battle today.

Epona was galloping now, and Link had said that they would be to the village soon. Soon ended up being a couple of hours, but whatever.

Eddie: [Author] Meh! It's just a piece of writing I'm creating, I can be lacadazial about it!

As they got there, Link tied Epona to a fence post,

Analyn: Wait, AS they got there? Like, while they were riding?
Jeff: Link's some kind of ninja with that horse tie, isn't he.

and the two headed up the stone steps to the village.
“We’ll go to Impa’s house,

Eddie: Man, Hyrule Castle's fallen on hard times if they can't house their own servants.

she’ll have a change of clothes for you there,

Jeff: [Link] You dig leather and chains, right? No? Okay, how about dressing up like a member of the KISS army?

and probably some food if you’re hungry.” Link told her.

Eddie: I like how Impa MIGHT have food in her own home. You know, it's something she uses on occasion.
Analyn: I like how it's assumed that she'll give Mary Serenity a nice meal just because.

Serenity looked down at herself and almost laughed out loud.

[All laugh]
Analyn: Sweetheart, we're looking at you and laughing, too.

She must have been a sight for sore Hyrulian eyes:

Jeff: First of all, it's Hylian. Hill-ee-an. Second of all, it's important that these eyes are Hylian because ... ?
Eddie: Well, if the ears are so radically different, the eyes ... man, I bet they don't even see the same frequency of light.

She was wearing low-slung faded jeans (her favorite pair),

Analyn: Oh GAG, it is NOT the prerequisite 'What is Mary Sue wearing?" passage, complete with ultra-trendy/slutty clothes that the author's mom won't let her buy.
Jeff: I'm glad that we've been told that these genes are her favorite pair. I care. I do, really. This will come into play later in the story, too, I bet.
Analyn: You be careful what you wish for, that might actually happen.

a thin light pink tank

Eddie: Wait, like an army issue assault vehicle? AWESOME!
Jeff: Dude, it's pink.
Eddie: Dude. She's wearing a tank. A TANK. It could have purple sparkling fairies on the side and be driven by a princess mermaid in a tutu and it would still be the most awesomest thing ever.
Jeff: ... you need to lay off the Halo.
Eddie: EVER.

that settled about four inches above her jeans,

Analyn: ... that's ... high. Does this thing cover her breasts? Is it legal to wear in public?

and covering the tank was a light pink hooded sweatshirt that was unzipped in the front. "Wow, not that I stick out like a sore thumb or anything," Serenity thought to herself sarcastically.

Eddie: Snooty little thing. I like how the outfit is very likely designed to highlight boobies.
Jeff: No complaints here.
Analyn: Why does that make me think of something a Sim would wear?
Jeff: Because you play that game night and day?

Link smiled and led her to the first house in the village. The village was little and quaint, but there were people bustling everywhere, even for it being closing time.

Jeff: Oh, good, we've stepped into the Valley of the Winds.
Eddie: Really, if a giant bug came by and destroyed everything, would anyone complain?

This was probably because of the festival getting ready to begin.

Analyn: Mary Serenity knew this how?
Jeff: They're having it in her honor, duh.

There was a massive windmill at the back of the village,

Jeff: I wish a guy wrote this, so I could say he was compensating.
Analyn: Wait a second, staff of power? Giant windmill? Huh. I wonder how many other phallic references we can find in this fic. Maybe the author needs a good long ... um, look at her life.

and a gate up on a hill had a trail behind it leading to a huge mountain peak with clouds swirling around it.

Eddie: Does the author seriously take us for fools? We played the game, we know all of this! If you're going to describe something, limit it to locales that are of DIRE importance, and try to make us see it in a new way. These dry descriptions, they're really only good for using up printing ink.

The houses were of all shapes and sizes and were positioned on different levels of land, with stone stairways leading up to the different levels.

Jeff: Wait, have we stepped into an M. C. Esher painting?

The house that the two entered was home to a dear friend of Link's, whom Serenity was about to get acquainted with.

Analyn: Riiiiiight. Hey, I've got a finger here you can get acquainted with.
Jeff: Whatever, we're out of here.

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